Day 127

I want to be myself again! This newer version of me I love - less preoccupied with what I SHOULD be doing and more proactive (well..most of the time). But I am missing exercise, health and muscle tone. When I say this to people I get the response - "You don't look like you've put on any weight" or "I'm surprised you've stayed the same size".

What I guess I mean by this is before my accident I was fit, toned and healthy - the best fitness I have been at, and very happy to be there. I was happy with my body and my muscle tone and most of all the strength and energy that came with it. I was motivated and ready to go. Now, although technically I still weigh the same, and my clothes still fit, I feel untoned and squishy. I keep getting told that it could be worse, and that I'm lucky and I'll get it back. 

I agree with them, and know that I will get it all back - because I'm determined! But what I would love to do is explain how debilitating it is to have something you have worked SO incredibly hard for, ripped away from you from under your nose without a say. I mean if you had built a business from scratch, had pride in it and it was at the best it had ever been before one day, then the next you had nothing. How would you feel? 

This by far, is the thing I have found the hardest. I am exhausted after doing little things, I don't have as much energy to do the amount of exercise I want, the medication I am on for my nerve pain side effects  are horrible (night terrors, bloating, lack of motivation, weight gain etc). The other thing I think is hard about all of this is that when I try to talk to people about how I am feeling, I actually don't think I am truly understood. This is not just something that is wanted. It is something that is needed. And something that I worked damn hard to achieve. 

When I was first told by the psychologist I was an 'athlete' and I was grieving, I sort of had a little chuckle. Me an athlete??! But the longer I go without proper exercise and the more I am unable to do what I love, the more I understand this whole concept. 

Yesterday's blog about listening and today's have a similar theme. When someone is concerned, upset, worried etc by something, listening without putting in your opinion is so important. Often we want to put in filling words like "Don't worry" or "It will be ok" or "It could be worse" or "Keep your chin up". Most of the time, these are not needed and only make the person feel worse (like they shouldn't be feeling the way that they are).

Next time you are put into that situation, just listen, and let them say how they are feeling.

…Until Tomorrow xox