Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Day 219

I've been at home sick for 2 days - about to head off to the doctor. I haven't been at work - not because I couldn't, but because I don't want to make other people sick! I've been thinking a lot about my accident lately - it could be because of the 12 month anniversary, or just because. I lay in bed this morning trying to summon up enough energy to make myself a cup of tea. 

Memories flooded back to about a year ago, where moving was so painful and such a hinderance that I'd often not worry about having a cup of tea! I started reflecting on the constant pain, the disappointment of the hospital and not knowing what was wrong with me. I am so focussed on the now and even the future, that I forget to stop and look at how far I have come. 

It actually annoys me a little when people say that to me 'look how far you've come'. Because for me, living with pain, being uncomfortable and not being able to do what I want, is continuous. It hasn't stopped just because I can now walk without a limp. What a lot of people see - and I don't blame them - is where I was 12 months ago and compare it to where I am today. If you were to do this - there is a dramatic change! And that is something I need to stop to remind myself too occasionally. 

I think the hardest thing about this experience is trying to get your head around the fact that you may never go back to how you were before the accident. Yes my body might get it's fitness back - yes I might be able to run again. But something has changed deep inside of me. The ability to see life as fragile and instant and that it can be taken away from you at a minutes notice. I will continue to look at life very differently after being on planet WTF (as my psychologist calls it!) And as a result probably live life differently to how I would of had this not happened. 

...Until Tomorrow xox

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