I have just realised the last few months I have been a bit of a negative nancy - yes I've been all happy and 'positive' on the outside - but my self talk and how I talk about myself to others or was negative. I was focussing on what I can't do, or what I've lost since my accident i.e. my strength, my fitness, my ability to run, my ability to do things with ease etc. So I'd beat myself up. Oh of course I would say things like 'I've come a long way' or 'At least I can walk without a limp' etc. But on the inside was a different story.
I would be stuck in a negative self feeding loop. I would complain about my inability to do exercise, the fact I've lost my 'tone' and have some extra 'fat' but then I'd make myself feel horrible and sad, so I would go to the gym and then eat chocolate covered liquorice! But whilst at the gym the whole time in my head I would be saying 'that's not as good as you use to be able to do' or 'those love handles never use to be there'.
Today instead of acting all positive, it actually all hit home about what I can do. So today when those little gremlins snuck in to take a stab, I put them straight back in their box with something I can do. A bit of 'anything you can do I can do better'. And for the first time since my accident I have been more self-aware, what is my body doing? Do I want something to eat? Or am I just trying to comfort myself.
I may not be able to run, but I can swim and ride a bike. I may not be able to do long-standing hand stands or chin ups, but I can work on my core. The next thing on my to-do list is to go bike shopping. For I am going to do a triathlon next summer. This time next year, I WILL do a marathon.
Sometimes when we think we are being positive, we actually are not, and need to reflect or meditate more to be aware of where we are mentally.
...Until Tomorrow xox
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