Sunday, September 14, 2014

Day 105

So this blog is a little late, because I have been unwell and also visiting good friends. Yesterday I went along to my friends fit club. A fun social gathering to exercise and eat cleanly. She has been running them for about a year and I keep meaning to go and have a look at what she does, it is often difficult as I live so far away, so I was excited to see how she spends a lot of her time. 

My friend was in her element, she looked beautiful, motivated, fun ad driven as she instructed her team and the other people attending the fit club. I was so proud of her! As I watched a group complete as many sit-ups and push ups as they could in a minute, I got overwhelmed with emotion and a sense of loss. This sounds so strange and even as I write it and reflect upon it, I'm still finding it hard. 

The reason for this, is that my fitness and tone have been the one and MAIN thing that I want to get back, but haven't since my accident. I am seeing a specialist tomorrow and hope that she will be able to tell me when I can run again. It took me a few hours, but I sat with it, had a few tears, spoke to a friend and then reflected. I tried to focus on how far I have come since my accident and that it could of been worse. But to be honest, that didn't help, it actually made me feel worse. Because I then felt guilty (a wasted emotion) for feeling sad when things could of been worse or other people are worse off.

So as I sat with this feeling of loss - the fact I cannot run, or ride a bike for long periods of time, or even swim for long periods, or walk long distances, my tone and strength are starting to diminish. Then I had a think about what strategies I have that make me feel good (other than exercise)

So I: 
1. Put the music on loudly and sang as loud as I could (even if I didn't know the words)
2. Talked in a scottish accent about Australian animals (crazy, but fun!)
3. Practiced singing all of the songs that I have been learning. 

I was also driving to visit a friend. So even though it took awhile, I got there. So by the time I got to my friends house I was feeling much better. 

Sometimes when you think you are going along ok, and rolling with the punches so to speak, you think you have everything sorted. My psychologist said to me just last week that she's proud of how far I have come, but that she would like to see me in 3 weeks to continue working through things. I thought I had worked through my accident and the aftermath..but clearly it's still a work in progress. And that's ok. Apparently according to everyone that knows me, I need to be less hard on myself. 

What strategies do you have to make you feel good? Singing? Dancing around the house? Reading a book? Having a bath? Make a list so next time you need a little pick me up you can turn to one of those - as long as your not suppressing the feelings! 

…Until Tomorrow xox

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